JohnE McCray Visits Flavortown, Intergalactic Goatee Gateway Opens

JohnE McCray

In German folklore, it is considered an otherworldly omen to be visited by your doppelgänger.  In Flavortown, however, the phenomenon is far tastier.

The Germans didn’t have a monopoly on “double-goers”, however, with ancient Egyptians and Norsemen both finding themselves concerned with the meaning of these paranormal experiences.

In Ancient Egyptian mythology, a ‘ka’ was a tangible “spirit double” having the same memories and feelings as the person to whom the counterpart belongs. In one Egyptian myth entitled, The Greek Princess, an Egyptian view of the Trojan War, a ka of Helen was used to mislead Paris of Troy, helping to stop the war.

Norse folklore describes entities known as vardøger, ghostly beings that preceded their living counterparts, taking their places at various activities and performing their actions in advance. The spirit with the subject’s footsteps, voice, scent, or appearance and overall demeanour precedes them in a location or activity, resulting in witnesses believing they’ve seen or heard the actual person before the person physically arrives. This bears a subtle difference from a doppelgänger, with a less sinister connotation. 

The idea was explored further in movies such as Back To The Future, where Marty McFly has to be certain that he doesn’t run into his future or past selves, lest he wish to tear a new asshole in the space-time continuum.

Never one to be afraid of tearing through holes on the course, [editor’s note:  insert eyeroll.gif], JohnE McCray took a quick detour on his latest trip around the nation to grab a bite to eat at Guy Fieri’s cleverly named “Guy’s:  Mt. Pocono” restaurant located in perfectly tolerable Mount Pocono, Pennsylvania.

What JohnE didn’t know was that the flaming-shirt-wearing television host of considerable volume would be paying a visit to restaurant himself on that fateful day, setting off a chain of events that would forever alter the history of Flavortown and facial hair.
“It looked like a bomb-dot-com heaping side of Flavortown Funk went off in here” said Pat Holler, weeknight hostess at Guy’s.

The two heavyweights of the goatee game first met eyes after McCray ordered the “Motley Que” Pulled Pork Sandwich – a personal favorite of the God-Emperor of Flavortown.  Fieri and McCray were soon trading war stories from their time in the trenches, fighting for people to correctly spell and pronounce their names.

JohnE lamented that many believed him to simply be a lazy typist who refused to proofread his name, while Guy’s concerns were far more ethnically-sourced.

The restauranteur complained that he was sick and tired of hearing customers doing intolerant Italian accents while attempting to properly pronounce Fieri.

That’s a-spicy a-racism!

Then, over the restaurant’s speaker system, Smash Mouth’s 2001 mega-hit All Star began to play, (as it always does at Guy’s – on the hour, every hour).  The trifecta of soul-patched baby boomers caused a massive ripple in the quantum physics of Flavortown as JohnE and Fieri melded into a being of singularity, experienced only as a ball of immensely bright white light with a goatee and fake Oakley sunglasses.

JohnE McCray
Our graphics department is fired.

Customers at Guy’s described the scene in detail via Yelp review:

“2 stars.  Light show was really weird and there was a moth in my Tatted Up Turkey Burger.  I’m pretty sure I already had that diarrhea though.”

Conspiracy theorists have already pointed to a pair oft-quoted pieces of the Flavortown scripture as evidence of Fieri’s foreknowledge of the incident.  The television host had, on occasion, been known to utter the following phrases.  Loudly:

“We’re takin’ you on a road rockin’ trip down to Flavortown, where the gravitational force of bacon warps the laws of space and time.”

And, in a direct nod to his fate as an inter dimensional, frisbee throwing sentient ball of energy:

“What a hot frisbee of fun!”