Medieval Times’ Newest Knight “Prodigy” Unbeaten After Two Years


When it comes to restaurants serving whole chickens with a side of jousting, Medieval Times reigns supreme, but who reigns supreme at Medieval Times?

The dinner theater restaurant has been called “Chuck E. Cheese for adults” and “the place you go for your birthday when your family thinks that Game of Thrones is all that you watch”.

And while some of the action is admittedly hokey, the actors themselves do spend an inordinate amount of time training, conditioning, and rehearsing in order to become some of the top athletes(?) in their “field”.

Mother would have been so proud if she hadn’t already written Chad off.

That has all changed however, as one of the newest knights on the scene has remained stoic and unbeaten in his two years on the circuit.

Meet Prodigy – the Green Knight whose chainmail has repelled every attack thrown his way for the entirety of the last 24 months:

I like to imagine that the Green Knight ran up here, training like Rocky Balboa at The Philadelphia Museum of Art.

“Even in practice, no one that I know of has gotten anything to penetrate the Green Knight’s armor” says Darton Wong, one of the dishwashers at Medieval Times who spends his lunch breaks secretly smoking a joint over by the iced tea machine in the “battle arena”.

“Hell, one of the other knights got frustrated and threw a customer’s Michelob Ultra at him.  The bottle didn’t break or spill at all.  It just simply bounced off of his chainmail and landed sadly in the dirt at his feet”, lamented Wong.

Other knights are equally as perplexed.

Jim Wells, a longtime “keeper of the realm” at the Albuquerque restaurant says that he has tried everything to dethrone the Green Knight.

[Author’s note:  Jim was very, very adamant that we use that title to describe him.]

“I’ve tried high right side, I’ve tried dead center.  I’ve even tried sneaking my sword in just over the top of his basket for my queen” said Jim, far too excitedly.


“Nothing works at all.  He’s nigh invincible.”

And Jim was right.  Later that night our investigative team witnessed no less than 4 challengers carted off of the “field of battle” after attempting to pierce the knight’s armor during the joust event, all with severely torn rotator cuffs and splintered weapons.

“At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if people just stopped trying to beat him and started throwing their weapons at his feet.  Ain’t nothing getting through that armor” quipped Wong in between quiet puffs and stifled coughs in the darkened arena.